Broken

I’m sad about this pain, the pain in my right gluteus and down my right leg. It feels like, it feels like, hmm, being struck by lightning, someone grabbing my muscles on the inside and trying to rip them out of my body while I’m still alive, like the nerve bundle in my leg is twisted and caught on craggily pieces of bone in my butt and my ankle and it won’t come free until it rips to shreds, like pulses of energy far too strong for the human body to withstand are blasting through my right leg and exploding it from the inside out, sometimes like a migraine, sometimes like fingers are tapping all down my leg, sometimes like hot liquid is pouring down to my toes, and sometimes I’m not sure if I want to live through it for one more minute.

I love the moments in bed just before drifting off to sleep, moments when I can just relax and imagine any delightful thing I choose. Now, though, I lie in bed and the pain sears through my right leg as I gently try to squirm into the right position where the pain might slightly abate. Last night was wholly unsuccessful. No relief, no position offered comfort, pain, pain, pain all night. I woke crying. 3 weeks now and the pain has not ebbed. Nights have gotten worse with each passing day. I cry most mornings and my brain is struggling to process, to think, to recognize anything outside of this pain. My family is wonderful and have tried to help me, but I just can’t see through the pain to acknowledge their efforts. It’s a struggle to connect, to relate in meaningful ways to those around me. I feel lonely and trapped by the pain. I fear it.