Hey You, Future Me

The strange thing about back pain is that it’s so intangible to the people around me. They can’t see it - it’s not like a broken bone or a bleeding cut. It’s invisible, un-seeable. All others see is a hobbling, hunched, sobbing, and bleary-eyed person who otherwise looks perfectly fine. It makes it seem less real in some ways. On days when the pain is less profound (which is hard to determine because at times it seems I’ve just become used to a constant pain) it even seems intangible to me. I find myself being incredibly self-critical and questioning why I haven’t completed certain tasks or wasted so much time staring at my phone as a distraction for the past weeks. During good moments I have to actively remind myself to give my own self grace, it’s weird.

The memory of pain is easily forgotten, discarded, and replaced with self-criticism. In some ways it’s hopeful to know that when this pain eases I will have a limited memory of it, although it also seems important to have a reminder of the incredible pain so that I can offer myself grace more actively. These little letters are for the future me, the future me that is quick to judge and slow to forgive. So, hey you, future me, be kind.